can we 'unknow' our fear? and other thoughts

on fear and trust, loss and love, on learning

me and Andri, earlier this summer

note: this space is very much about sharing a full experience of life. Loving life requires us to full heartedly face fear and death just as much as the sweeter parts. Avoiding hard is a ‘life sentence’ of suffering because we don’t really avoid it, we place it in the dungeon of our heart and it continues to feed and grow. Talking about death, loss, and fear helps us with trust; it reminds us to love. So embrace the following experiences with me. This letter, above all, is about love.

Hi friends,

Orlando (my father-in-law) passed away on Monday, August 11th while holding my 15 year old nephew’s hand. I wasn’t there. And honestly, despite all those days of attention, his death went completely unobserved by me. I didn’t say my last goodbye, not from near, not in the air. I didn’t think anything at all.

I think he will forgive me though. When he was dying, I thought his son, Andrea - my husband - was too.

substack notes have silently, secretly held me this week. Or maybe you have noticed.

Life terrified me today. And I am still standing. Love protected me. It always does. This is what I wrote in a Note on Monday.

another note:

When you believe that life has gotten its hardest, most of the times it hasn't. Remember your strength. Remember the beauty. Remember to love. <3

Andri woke me up that morning at 6am saying that we would go to Victory, our favorite beach coffee spot, that had become a daily trip before his dad needed constant attention; we hadn't been there in weeks.

Now that Orlando had stopped having the every 20 minute seizures, we would be a bit freer.

“Would the day feel victorious?” I immediately thought.

“Why not,” I also thought - the past week had challenged us to a new level, but we seemed to be handling it well.

but we never made it to Victory

because last Monday, Andri came collapsed back into bed again at 7:15am and he never woke up as day turned to night.

Victory - would this end victoriously? I thought as my husband slept.

I sat with him with complete calm, knowing that it was the most necessary thing required of me.

beneath it lay my fear, threatening like the freezing water under that sun-kissed sheet of icy lake. All serenity could be taken away in a moment's time, sucking you below the beautiful, smooth surface with the slightest crack.

I spent the whole night listening to his breath, for his breath. So scared to miss his last one, that there would be a last one.

opening a ( to say something about fear

Fear is built into our survival. It is meant to serve us when there is real danger. It protects us.

To be fearless is to be humanless.

However, fear also has the ability to destroy the way we love, the way we intended to live our life.

the lion and the gazelle

When a lion runs after a gazelle, the gazelle is afraid and runs away. This is an example of real danger in the present moment. The gazelle's response is valid. It's necessary for its survival.

But when the lion leaves, the gazelle doesn't remain in its fear, in its mind. The gazelle returns to its natural state - peaceful. It goes back to doing what it does. This too, is part of its survival. It will only be afraid of a lion, when and if, a lion appears before it again.

But we don't do this. We live the terror over and over again in our minds.

Once we experience it, can we unknow ‘terrified’ just like that, or ever?

Can I unknow the fear in my daughter’s eyes and my heart when we thought that we were losing him?

close )

So I spent the entire night watching breath and thinking, what do I do if his last one comes? I moved closer and closer to him.

I think of all the times that I had to turn away and move to the edge of the bed not to hear his air invading my sleep. Not this time. All I wanted him to do was invade me; all I wished for was full, easy breath. And for him to wake up okay.

Okay. This is a big word. All of this did not happen by chance. It was years in the making. Years of overload and his stubbornness, having to do do do when I told him so many times:

‘Baby, you are not doing best for us. We want you to be here. This requires you to stop. Pause. Just be sometimes. Once in a while. Do it for us. Stop and care for yourself. Let us care for you.’

open (

This doing - having to do, saying I cannot stay still - is a disease. This word ‘cannot’… I will leave this discussion for another day. But I will say, that for the love of this man, I am left with even more love

and also frustration and anger.

close )

You do not have to be superman. I told him so many times.

Almost a week has past. I am still listening for breath.

When will I be able to sleep without listening for proof of life; when will the fear of my husband dying go away? And how does this fear effect me us in the meantime?

Of course, these fearful experiences, especially the ‘thinking that someone is dying’ kind, can also teach us something, if we are attentive and we want them to; if we can transcend the fear - it can teach us to take nothing for granted. To love more. Maybe even fear less.

I am not going to apologize for this disorder. Love and fear are such disorderly things.

But…

if you are still here, you are probably wondering what exactly happened. To give you an idea, I am sharing with you these msgs. I wrote these to him while he slept. 16 hours of sitting with and trusting that it would be okay. I am just too exhausted to write it all out for you right now. This is all I have.

from Notes: What's the word for beyond exhausted? I'm that.

my ‘telling’, monday, august 11th/12th

1pm: message #1

Baby, I am watching you sleep. I love you so much. If ever I had doubt, this washed it all away. You scared me so. There are so many things that led up to this. But now you will sleep. You will then care for yourself and get back your strength. And we are going to move forward. This one dramatic experience - the thought of losing you there - made things so clear. We need to do things differently. Okay? I so hope that you will agree.

You won’t remember a thing: one minute you were up making a banana shake and the next you were speaking nonsense. I told you to come back into bed with me. You resisted, but then you did.

You slept. But then at about 10am your sister called all panicky about your dad, insisting that I wake you even though I insisted back that you needed sleep. And she insisted more, so BiancaJade and I tried to wake you. That is when…

when your eyes were rolling back in your head and your mouth was sealed closed, and we pried it open to find your tongue curled all the way back in your mouth. And you weren't responding, and your body was completely limp - you looked exactly like your dad looked these past days. How is it possible?

This was so scary.

But I stayed soft and I spoke to you:

…honey, wake up. please wake up. we still have to celebrate 30 years. and you promised me another 30 years, 30 more years of kisses and tears, loving and fighting

and we have so much to do. you are not leaving me now. This is not the end of our story.

you promised me. you promised me. you promised me - I said softly, with the utmost clarity, and even though your eyes wouldn't couldn’t look at me.

and I am holding on to the dream of dying old together, arm in arm like the movie. Remember the movie?

Him: “Promise me something - don’t leave me.”

Her: Oh, I promise.” - (from the movie, The Leisure Seeker, 2017)

Sleep and know that

I love you.I love you.I love you.I love you.I love you.I love you.I love you.I love you.I love you.I love you.I love you.I love you.I love you.I love you.I love you.I love you.I love you.I love you.I love you.¹ I will never leave your side.

2pm: message #2

And baby, know that even when you seemed like you were dying and you opened your eyes a moment, you still had your drive. You said to me, let me see your ass. I know absurd. But that is you. And then you came to kiss me and I kissed you and I told you that I wanted tongue and you stuck it out and that reassured me that you weren't going anywhere. You then closed your eyes again until the ambulance came.

What fear.

But we were calm. Bianca was a rock. I am so proud of her and you would have been too.

I called Diego². I was so glad he answered. You know that I always try to hold on to our knowledge and inner trust, but it leaves us very alone, especially in critical situations like today. And I kept talking to you with your face in my hands, telling you to

respond in anyway, to stay with me. We have so much to do still. It doesn't end like this... you promised…

4pm: message #3

And the ambulance came into the trailer. It was about 11am.

Our life never felt so unraveled and fragile. The tin box, so small when the paramedics arrived. I was too scared to think how embarrassed I could have felt. I just wanted the paramedic - the one with the kind, blue eyes - to be able to wake you up.

I continued telling you that you promised not to leave me and that I love you as the other paramedic took down your information.

It was so hot. He had sweat dripping from his temples. I know he must have been thinking, how do they live in here? But I could only think of you coming back to me. My mind didn't care about how we got here.

And I am here for the past 5 hours or maybe 6, loving you. Sleep baby sleep. Then come back to me.

And we will fix everything needing to be fixed in our life. I promise.

5pm: message #4

You are still here sleeping. And I am here watching you sleep. Your sister wanted me to wake you up at 2pm. That is what the parametics said to do when I told them that I was not sending you to the hospital.

She wanted me to tell you that your dad died and that he died the same time you decided not to wake up. But I know that you could maybe sleep for a week. This is what you need. I trust this. So I didn’t listen to her or them. I trusted myself.

And I will continue watching you. Take as long as you need. Just come back please.

7pm: message #5

I am here thinking that in the end, my song for you was right even though you don't like it. You don't have to be superman to be my/our super man.

Things will change. This is good. Real good.

I am learning for both of us right now. It is going to be useful. I can feel it deep in my heart. For one, I will love you not only for forever, but so much better. I will not take this love for granted, but please forgive me when I do.

9pm: message #6

I love you. Please take care of yourself. Your family depends on this - you here - way before anything else.

9:45pm: message #7

I promise not to be afraid of losing you, I just don’t want to. And I already know that I probably won't be able to keep this promise. You know how much I practice, but I am still no gazelle, baby.

10:45pm: message #8

cannot wait to see you tomorrow. buonanotte baby.

There are many more details, but my husband did not die. (thank you)

He woke up the following morning at 7am (almost 24 hours later) feeling weak, not remembering a thing, reasking the same questions over and over again -

this too was so scary. it seemed like Alzheimer's. just like his dad.

My dad died? Yes, honey.

What time? Yesterday at 10:31am.

My dad died? Yes, honey.

What time? Yesterday at 10:31am.

My dad died? Yes, honey.

What time? Yesterday at 10:31am. Do you remember that I just told you.

5 minutes later.

My dad died? Yes, honey.

What time? Yesterday at 10:31am.

Oh, he said.

He fell back to sleep. Another 2 hours. But then woke up too ready to do do do because this is who he is (again, I will circle back to this another day)

and probably because he was not ready to grieve. but that is his story to tell, not mine.

I do wonder tho: Do we feel less when we move more?

Grief does not give us the opportunity to choose when we want it to arrive, and most of us will never be prepared for it even if we have had time to prepare.

The best version of you will respond to grief by saying: ‘I am here for you. I am listening with all of my love. Take your time.’

He moved all day. He was okay, at least on the outside.

Me? I was still trembling inside.

The night before the funeral - two days later - Andri was sleeping and he started shaking his arm up and down. I asked him if he was okay. He didn’t answer. I asked him again. Still no answer.

It felt like the lion was back so I shook him. He said, why did you wake me up?

How long will it take for me to unknow this fear?

may i be patient with myself. may he be patient with me. this is what love is asking right now.

death and love

“…whatever love and attention we manage to give always lives on, not just in what we create, but also in the many lives we touch along the way.” -

James Crews

thursday, august 14th

We just got back from the funeral. So many people. So much love. So many beautiful words. We played James Taylor's, How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You) at the end.

I am exhausted. We all are.

But, my smile is still intact, my mind calm, I hold the joy of a peaceful heart.

another Note from the week:

to whomever needs this (maybe this is everyone):

I cannot change things that happened. But I can change the narrative. And I can create a better ending. If nothing more, I can take this (whatever I am going through) and I can create love.

I can thank these experiences. And I do. Pain. Loss. Grief. Fear. Great challenge.

We may never wish for these things, but we can be grateful for them.

This idea of experiencing life differently afterwards; giving credit to the trauma and drama for adding an extra sensitivity/capacity for fullness that we would not have gained otherwise.

Without the grief and fear, I wonder: would I remember to love better, wider, more intensely?

I don't think so.

On a FB story honoring Orlando I wrote:

I am switching the question: instead of how can we go on without you? may we ask, how can your love live on even brighter through us?

Orlando Bizzocchi: full spirit, full love for his family, generous heart. he danced through life.

“…I don't believe love can die.” -

Andrea Gibson

from her interview with

Jane Ratcliffe

The only word that comes to me right now is love. It is the only one that counts through every single experience.

the shortest poem I have ever written:

love

(is victorious)

it is the only constant feeling I want to feel. And I do. I really, honestly, deeply do.

my heart reaching out towards yours, xo Danni

post-note: today, sunday august 17th

We parked the car and I began walking towards Victory because I am slower with my knee thingy. I get the pink paper for Andri. I order our oat milk cappuccino. And I take out my phone to reread this letter.

After 10 minutes, Andri still didn't get here. The lion is approaching me. 15 minutes, still no Andri. I call him. No answer. Inside I start running. I breathe calm into my worst thought: he collapsed.

I call again and he answers this time.

me: where are you?

A: I stopped to talk to a friend. I'm here.

before last Monday, this would have been okay. I probably wouldn't have called.

me: please let me know next time. I am still scared of the lion.

A: sorry, I will. (he understood)

I then return to this letter. I really wanted to finish it and was in full concentration mode. After 2 minutes Andri starts talking to me about something he was reading. I would have normally told him to wait because I was doing something. But not today. I put down my phone, took his hand, looked into his eyes, and full-me listened.

This is the the frosting of my fear, our loss: we don’t take stuff for granted. We love better.

Now all I have to do is relearn to fear less.

---

a few more notes (and reminders) you may have missed this week:

• Stay calm. Everything works out better when you stay calm.

• May this serve to awaken.

  I have arrived into today. Now my journey continues.

• I know it is tempting, but love, don’t rush through this. Your transformation is depending on you going deep.

  experience it good. feel it slowly.

• dear universe, i am really trying to replace all fear with full love. please help me out.

• when given the okay, love overflows and washes over us. it doesn't eliminate the bad, ugly, and hard, but it does cleanse, refreshing our strength to keep going.

• you don’t have to be everything right now; you just gotta keep going.

• Let it pour. At this point, I have come too far. I don’t believe anyone or anything will be able to stop me from dancing.

• During the after, go slower than you normally would. If you are celebrating, you go slower not to miss the joy of it. If you are grieving or digesting anything that needs time to digest, you go slower not to miss the shifting inner parts of yourself.

• Living your life with love and for love is the best way to prepare yourself to die well. Why? Because in the end, whether verbalized or not, the last question you will ask yourself is how well did I love? my job my people my pets my time my health myself. ???

• If love is in the air it is because we (helped) create it; if love isn't in the air it is because we (helped) create it.

• Please don’t ask me to pick a side. I am forever and foremost on the side of love.

---

and if you missed these:

ed #2: A Storyteller's Tale From Shame to Silver Linings

everything.

a weekend scroll of wisdom & reflection

1. This came to me from a message

Sage Justice

sent to me. She reminded me of a scene from the movie, Elf, starring Will Farrell.

2. our dear friend, naturopath & expert in Dr Hamer's 5 Biological Laws.