everything.

on 30 years together, loss, and love

i've written so many poems in my life. isn't it amazing that i came up so short? isn't it everything that i tried so hard and failed to write a single thing more beautiful than love. -

Andrea Gibson

hi. today is our 30th anniversary. 30 years ago i met my husband on a Caribbean island and my life was forever changed. but i am not popping in to speak about this today.

last night my husband did not sleep with me. he was with his sister, holding his dying father's hand, wiping blood from his mouth, soothing him during epileptic seizures that grew more and more frequent throughout the night.

he is still there this morning. our family didn't sleep.

i am writing this to remind us that life is still a celebration, a celebration of love in every moment, beautiful, heartaching life.

i believe this even today.

we won't be celebrating our anniversary today. i won’t be wearing the dress i planned to.

plans. another great reminder. life doesn’t go as planned. accept it. embrace it. get really good at making the shifts life calls you to make. if you do, life remains gorgeous, rich, and loveable. if you don’t, you will feel like you are fighting boulders your entire life.

today i planned to write beautiful, romantic words to my husband. like i always have for 30 years. words honoring the challenges, forgiving his our mistakes, offering abundant gratitude. declaring my forever growing love.

but with the coming of this loss so present and this farewell so….

there were no words. only love. and only respect for my Andri's demonstration of strength.

i went there last night. it was. well again, no words.

feelings. I cried the whole time, with a few tears. mostly without. i wanted to feel - be strong.

honestly

i felt weak compared to them - andri and my sister-in-law.

i thought about it all night. weakness. strength. life. death. beauty. pain. love. everyone in my life. everyone gone. my own death. all unclear thoughts. partial, incomplete, confused, lacking

and yet, not.

as i iced my knee at 1am, 3am, 5 am,

and somewhere in between, finished off cold pizza straight from the fridge and a sliver of vegan chocolate cheesecake with raspberry sauce

(so unlike me - but i needed to fill myself and i had never been more aware of this true act of self-love: acceptance, allowance, permission to eat and feel in the black of the night)

i thought some more, not really thinking anything. just feeling dualities in my heart.

love. loss. rise. fall. acceptance. resistence. letting go. grasping. questions. no need for answers.

empty. full.

i am writing this just to reach out. maybe you are going through something. you are definitely going through something. maybe you are grieving or still taking care of your loved one. maybe you are simply filled with love. or exhaustion. or both.

as i said, these words. nothing really. and then again, duality. they are everything when shared. we are everything. i know that you can read behind the lines. you can understand. in the blank spaces there is content. in what is not being said, without words, emotions can still be felt. even more in the vagueness. you feel me. i feel this even before i send this to you.

you can feel my love. i know this.

i even believe you know why there are no capital letters here. you can feel me texting softly, slowly to you. the opposite of loud and aggressive. with kindness.

as not to disturb anyone's feelings.

like the butterflies grazing the flowers - no urgency but full fullness and love.

everything.

when I texted my husband this morning after a night of sending each other heart emojis just to say, hi I am here when there was nothing more to say, when we would have been too exhausted to say it…

i wrote this. i share it with you because it is human lacking and human love.

more love than lacking. and we all need this to fill our space.

andri, i wanted to write you something special, but i can only think of i love you written a zillion times. picture it all over every wall that you see. and every so often, in between the i love yous - I am sorry. and thank you thank you thank you.

and these words also came to mind, baby - not only for us, but in general (for your dad, sister, our girls, the universe in some strange, miraculous way):

love will challenge our weakest parts. and

love always guides us.

love feeds us.

love accompanies us.

love heals us.

love is always worth it.

i love you.

let me know if you need anything from me. anything. anything. and everything.

he answered with another heart emoji. and this:

I Need your love. ❤️

i wonder if the N was a typo. and then again, i do not need to know anything except that after 30 years, he still Needs me.

everything.

the holding of a moment without needing it to be different. not searching. not having to change a detail to feel at peace, the love. finding your everything in what life is right now.

and even this morning, i am laying, sitting, walking - icing - in a haze. when i look in the mirror to splash cool water on my face and neck, i realize that i never changed out of my jumpsuit last night.

this haziness - a peaceful one tho. i feel wrapped by this fullness, by a love that fills. and even when it takes, will keep on filling. i know this.

life. all of it is this gift i have been noticing lately. i feel it with my inner eyes.

if you are reading this, i love you. please celebrate with me. xo Danni

one last quote by

Andrea Gibson

because nobody knew how to express love better (and i love that my husband's name is Andrea too).

to orlando. you loved in capital letters. i thank you. i will always love you.

---

to feel touched by grief and love:

loving fight

Waking Up With Grief: Not The Way I Would Have Chosen To Begin

and…

Turning Toward Grief

Come Back to Me As Lightning

Plus these books to love life more:

• Your To-Die-For Life by

  Karen Salmansohn

• Dying To Be Me by Anita Moorjani