Good men
a little reminder of goodness
“Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one.” - Marcus Aurelius
Be one.
I wrote that the word for Love this month is Human. Just being human is the greatest act of love these days. Are you feelin’ this too?
from Notes:
Being human wasn’t meant to be a thing you needed to fight for. But things are often not the way they were meant to be.
Fight friends. Do it with all your intention, attention, and love.
and
If you cannot feel proud to be an American of the United States (which I am hearing so often lately), make sure that you do everything you possibly can to be proud of being a human.
The news is horrible. It is a constant declaration of what is bad in this world, a constant reminder of how messed up and crazy and violent humans are. I hate that they call it ‘The News’ because bad news is not all that's happening out there. Good exists. Generous and kind exist. Love exists.
Along with the latest murder, humans hurting humans, people being iced out, and the Epstein files, there is also good.
from Notes: i sat with a woman yesterday. she said that she sits with pain for the world. i hate bad men the most. (she went into more detail here) it is too much. sometimes it feels like i should just escape. move away.
i immediately thought: we cannot escape the world. or the big bad wolves. it/they will find us. wherever we go, we bring our news-weighted hearts with us. all we can do is work on ourselves and spread our best efforts out into the world.
i didn’t say this though. i just hugged her really tightly and continued to listen. then hugged her again.
I was also with a friend the other day. She was man bashing. Without being able to understand her rage, I held compassion for her.
(I believe that compassion concentrated is the new definition of common sense - as I shared with Bryan Kramer.)
Her husband of over 30 years made a huge mistake. He cheated on her while away for business. He felt guilty and told her. Maybe she will soften. Maybe not. This is always the most intimate journey. As with all the inner work, I believe that trusting again and seeing the good beyond the human blemishes begins with self-love. Only self-love can prevent you from nastily picking away… and eventually fade the ancient scars.
Do you agree?
balance
Along with the men who disappoint, cheat, lie, abuse, and those who will do anything they must to feed their own ego… there are also good men. And some men who do bad things are good. Sometimes they deserve forgiveness. Just like us.
I didn't say this to my friend. As with the woman sharing her world woes, I just listened and hugged and hugged and hugged.
I began to ask myself, what makes a good man.
This is what I thought:
yes… good men fall.
but, good men are the ones who will, more often than not, be there to catch us when stuff falls, and not only; they are there waiting as the protector beforehand.
good men have sensitive hearts and strong values. good men seek growth. good men do not give up.
good men. they are the ones who really do want to leave a better mark on the world, often it will be on their small world. many good men leave the most special thing that they will leave by just loving their family the best they can. sometimes their best may not be enough. the question then becomes: will they keep trying, keep showing up? when the answer is yes, there is the goodness.
good men are fully human.
drop perfection please
“Just because something is not perfect does not make it any less worthy of love.” —Daphne from Bridgerton
We cannot see the good, if we hold our men to standards a human cannot fill.
You see…
Good men are not perfect men.
I should never expect this of myself or my children, why them?
In a world of battering men, holding them responsible, men often feeling the weight of the world… I want to honor the good ones. They exist.
note to my daughters: Nobody is ever going to love you perfectly. Strip yourself of this expectation and you will see the goodness.
This is not a letter to condone bad, horrific abusive situations. It has nothing to do with giving advice or telling you to stay with your man. Not saying that you must forgive your father or brother, partner, or friend… or the brutal men… the powerful leaders of the world who are leading us to… well, you know…
although forgiveness is truly the only path to peace. But no, I am not beginning this conversation here. I just want to shine love on the good ones today.
That's it.
The ones that have a really good heart, that consistently are there to meet you, pick you up, hold you tightly, let you cry on a shoulder. They will make mistakes. Of course… they are human like me and you… Maybe even huge ones. Maybe they will misunderstand you…
They may not see clearly what matters to you or say the right thing every time. And they are still wonderful.
A good man, with all his flaws, takes care of protecting women, their family, and the world. He does his best to protect and love. He fights for you, but he is not the violent man we see today. A good man uses the force of his will to hold up, not destroy. And if he does destroy, he will acknowledge it, say sorry, try to do better. (Andrea Bizzocchi, my good man)So I am inviting all of us to acknowledge the good men in our lives, the good men here on Substack… good men, in general.
(If you are a good man, go and celebrate yourself)
This is how we hold on to the beauty of humanity. We need to hold this because if we lose sight of goodness, we will lose everything. We will have lost.
I am doing something different for Valentine’s Day. I am making all the good men my Valentine this year.
Now some really good words from some of the good ones…
by Don Boivin from the essay, I Am Perfect, I Am Nothing
“For many years I was a seeker, hungry for meaning, for spiritual growth, for proof of purpose, for validation, for answers. But honestly, both spiritual seeking and positive reinforcement didn’t help. The only thing that helped was meditation and mindfulness, and the reason they helped is because they took me out of memories and projections, judgments and comparisons, wishes and dreams, and set me down in the only place that true equanimity is possible; right here, right now. And in this moment I am already perfect, because I need nothing.”
by John Rinaldo ©️ from the essay, The Cost That Doesn’t Show
“There is a particular kind of grief that comes when your children know your name but not your story. When they know what you failed at, but not what you endured. When they know your absence, but not the forces that shaped it. That grief does not announce itself. It sits quietly. It waits for moments like this…
What hurts most is being misunderstood... What hurts is being reduced. Reduced to money. Reduced to harm. Reduced to a version of myself that does not include growth, accountability, or love. I am not asking to relitigate the past. I am not asking to be absolved. I am not asking for gratitude. I am asking for the dignity of complexity. I am allowed to tell my story…
Love does not always get answered. But it does not vanish either. And that, somehow, has to be enough for now.”
by James Crews from the poem/essay, Accidental Prayer
“One of the questions that has trailed me these past few days… How do I stay aware and engaged, without also lapsing into hopelessness, despair, and the same hatred that is fueling these actions? It may seem too simple an answer, but one of the most supportive practices has been to seek out those who are helping, the people who are looking after others, no matter their political stance or affiliation. I do this not to pretend that evil does not exist, but to remind myself, especially on the hardest days, that goodness also persists, and can in fact be counted upon…
I follow the age-old advice of Mr. Rogers, and look for the helpers… The more we find the helpers, the more we are inspired to become one ourselves, letting loved ones and strangers alike know they still matter in this world.
by Gary Coulton from the essay, Why Should Anyone Follow You If You Don't Trust Yourself?
“I’m convinced I’m a good person. I take heed of my six core values in everything I do, so yes, I trust my character. Evidence also suggests I’m more reliable than I once was, though this takes constant vigilance. I feel I’m guiding myself better than ever, and I’m still not done learning and refining. What about the observations and opinions of other people? I must be honest; I don’t worry a lot about this as I can’t do more. If after all the changes, I’ve made it’s still not enough, too bad. That said, feedback from people is in general positive, so I do feel I’m on the right track, and that makes me happy.”
by Mike Sansone from the essay, Reaching Hearts: Presence
“I once heard a story about a child who said, “I know my mom loves me when she puts her phone down.” That sentence has stayed with me (and hopefully always will). Because that’s what presence looks like: Putting something down to pick someone up. Sometimes we think we need to fix things, solve problems, or say the perfect thing. But what people often need most… is our presence.”
by Bryan Kramer from the new Bare HEARTS, Staying Human
“My hero was always my dad. He wasn’t loud about it, but he showed up for people in a way that made you want to be better. He had this grounded confidence. Watching him with his patients, medical students, and our family taught me that being steady while still showing emotion in a storm matters more than being impressive in the sunshine.”
and just a few more good guys who I love on Substack
TheUltraContemplative (Steve) Alexander Lovell, PhD Jack Kornfield Cory Allen Marc Typo Ted Gioia Kyle Shepard Cody Taymore Duane Toops
a mention for my men
I am so lucky. I have had four good men in my life. All of them incredibly flawed, but nonetheless good… great.. so supportive and loving.
'“Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.” - Albert Einstein.
Who are the good men in your life? I hope you take special moments to honor them. And if it feels right, please share. Spread the goodness.
my heart reaching out towards yours, xo Danni
Ps love and gratitude to ALL good humans too.
🟧 Substack Post: Good Men, Good People
A reflection on being human
This morning I woke to Danni’s piece, *Good Men*, and sat with it longer than I expected. I don’t walk around thinking I’m a “good man.” I think most of us are just trying—failing, learning, standing back up. What moved me was her willingness to see the men writing their pain here and call out the goodness anyway. That takes a good woman.
Recognition matters more than we admit. Especially when the conversations in your head are louder than the applause outside.
Maybe it’s not about good men. Maybe it’s about good people—showing up, imperfect, but still choosing value over noise.
Thank you, Danni.
Grateful to be included. Loved John’s quote so much.