Unexpected Monday 'drop in' to lift & love

sharing some real emotions, essays, books, and a poem on an unsettled, rainy day

Photo by Chetan Kumar

Hi beautiful, dear friends. It is Monday and I didn’t plan to write to you today. But sometimes you just need to write to connect and catch your groundings. I am in one of those spirals of feelings and thoughts.

It is raining today in my piece of planet. It feels like a cleansing. I spent an extra bit under the covers listening to the pitter patter of oversized drops hitting the roof windows of my trailer. This sound overhead is so soothing. I love it.

And at the same time, the cooler winds blew in an unsettledness. I haven’t felt this in a while so let's say it was due.

Feelings and thoughts, thoughts and feelings. Some simple, about the Summer swimming away quicker than usual. It is always quicker tho - my perception or a Universal feel? Simple, but then not. Speed feels complicated and overwhelming; the world feels as if it is on speed and we are experiencing all of the effects.

I had planned to get up and write. Instead I read.

And even though I promised myself that I wouldn't read on my phone from bed, I did. The first thing was an essay by

Ted Gioia

, As AI Gets Smarter, It Acts More Evil.

“So sci-fi writers have good reason to fear AI. And so do we. The moral compass that drives human behavior has no influence over a bot. As it gets smarter, it will increasingly resemble a Bond villain. That’s what we should expect.”

And the the unsettledness increased instantly.

And then I read a piece by our friend,

Sage Justice

(I say our bc after the first Bare HEARTS Q&A , I hope you are still reaching out and connecting with this extraordinary human.) And her words touched me so. And they made me feel less lonely as the best writing does. They reminded me to return to what I do know.

Deep Connection. Connectedness. Shared emotions and experience.

Let me share her words with you now.

“It is the liminal space which I float within at this time. The next few months will shape our lives dramatically. I repeat the mantra, “I am safe.” I choose to believe that we are being divinely guided. I choose to believe that everything that is happening to us is ultimately for us. Please don’t hold these beliefs against me, in the larger purview of humanitarian hardships. I do not know how to answer the question: if there is a God, why are we facing a second Holocaust? Why did we face a first? I do not claim to know or understand the workings of God and the balance of free will versus divine will. I can only tell you that in these moments of fear and uncertainty, I cling to prayer and my faith in a nonreligious, genderless, spiritual God, and what is most real in my life: my love for my family and friends, my creative process, communion with nature, and every aspect of the arts.”

And then I wrote a quick thread on chat just to feel connected with you or someone. And to remind us that it is ok to feel lost and that we are not alone.

And then, I read another essay by

Jennifer Pastiloff

entitled, The (Unexpected) Loneliness of a Book Tour & (Inevitable) Vulnerability of…

and it confirmed that we are not alone with this. We all feel alone sometimes no matter who we are and even when things are going well.

“…during a moment of time that- on paper- would seem celebratory, happy, like a big fat Yay! etc., I am having a hard time.

…I feel lonely. Even amidst all the noise surrounding a new book being born. All the adrenaline and excitement and tags online and texts and murmurs and podcasts and and and and and and and forever all the ands.”

And I replied to her call for love - because this is what this is and this is what this letter that I am writing to you right now is about too. Calls for love. See me! Let me see you right back!

Why do we feel alone? I wrote this:

“Lonely, weird? I think that I finally realized why this does not go away no matter what, why it keeps popping up and even in the most unexpected places (like when you are surrounded by loved ones or are in the midst of being celebrated). My realization - we know that it is always going to be an inside job. You with you. Me with me. And this is lonely. It can often feel beautiful when you arrive at that soft inner spot and feel the light. But the reality is that we are going to feel the darkness very often and the monsters. We are going to feel them grabbing for us or even just a furry hand brushing against us like that dream you have when you are in a dark tunnel and you feel something and you are certain that it is a rat. Remember that game - you are blindfolded and you have to touch and taste things? The mushy stuff always feels like shit, even if it is ice cream.

So back to loneliness. And the solitude required to grow. The fear of growing old alone - this is a big one for me. The conflict: I need to be seen and I am terrified of being truly seen. Alone with all of this - these thoughts and feelings that nobody else can feel or experience exactly the way we do. And yet, we are not alone. Because I know that you and every other ‘sensitive, searching to live and love this life’ soul is feeling it too. Your inside job meets mine. It feels soothing.

But then next time, when the darkness, the monsters, and the lost loneliness return, and we may forget once again to reach out. Hopefully something reminds us to. This is always an option. I am here for you. So many are. Or next time maybe we are strong enough to resist. We stay with the lonliness until we find the light on our own. And this is beautiful bc we realize that there were no monsters and we aren’t monsters. We are beautiful human life feeling in love sometimes, scared sometimes - committed to this inside job and our life. So yes Jen, even you, amazing author of this successful new book and all the invites and praise, with your famous Henry and boy Charlie and all of your people (including me) and your incredible Tuscany retreat, will feel lonely. Weird? Naw, just proof of life - isn't it? Love you so much.”

(Btw order yourself a copy of Proof of Life by

Jennifer Pastiloff

. You will not regret it.)

And, I hearted and commented this Note by

Mike Sansone

.

And then, I read and hearted a Note by

Karen Salmansohn

¹ and it inspired me to write my non-death list. Here is Karen’s prompt:

Today I Didn't Die, So I Did This Instead
When I woke up, I checked the obituary section. Didn't see my name. Figured the universe was giving me another go at being a human. Read her list here.

And here’s what I did with my non-death today:

• spent 20 extra minutes in bed this morning listening to the pitter patter of the rain hitting my roof window. To an outsider, it may have appeared as laziness on the first day of the week, but it was a much needed, cleansing meditation for my deeper dimensions. Total self-care.

• refolded the clothes my daughter left in the corner of her room even though I asked her to do it days ago. I left a post-it next to the neat pile. I love you. Even when you don’t fold your clothes.

• I smiled extra big as I complimented the barista who seems to hate only me. She struggled to voice a grazie; absolutely no smile. But I will keep chipping away with kindness.

• I sipped my steaming hot oat milk cappuccino by the beach. The waves big and loud, the the clouds sprinkling softly as if to say: Enjoy. Be here with it all. Life is beautiful. And it is going to be okay as long as you stay with this moment.

• I ran out under the rain to pick some cherry tomatoes from our vegetable garden for dinner. But then I paused for a bit and gazed down towards my muddy flipflops that were perfectly clean moments just before. The moistness in my hands and dirt on my toes felt like Life. I am not dead. And not only, I am a human living an incredible life in this moment. And taking the words from my friend, Sage, which are my words too: I am safe. I am safe right now in my vegetable garden.

• I washed dishes. I hate washing dishes; it is one of the domestic kind of things that I hate most. But I put on Lionel Richie's Cinderella because it is light and joyful. Might as well do what we need to do with a sway and a smile, right?

• I read a few pages of Big Magic by

  Elizabeth Gilbert
  . “…you have treasures hidden within you…and so do I, and so does everyone around us. And bringing those treasures to light takes work and focus and faith and courage… and the world is spinning, and we simply do not have time anymore to think so small.”

• I called my mom and listened with full attention to her tell me about flat tires and sweet potatoes for the 3rd time today. I told her that I miss her.

• I allowed myself to be unproductive, an extremely loving act. Ate a bowl of mango sorbet while watching an episode of Sex and the City. Oddly, it was about loneliness. Coincidence or signs from the Universe?

• I sent my daughters and husband a text message on our family Whatsapp: I am so grateful for you. I am crazy in love with this family.

Karen ends her Note with this:

“...And that was the day. I didn’t achieve anything. I didn’t transform. But I remembered I didn’t die. And weirdly, that made everything feel a little more worth noticing.”

(And this prompt, not so weirdly, made me feel better.)

And then, wandering around in my pjs at this time, late afternoon (usually too early to be in pjs, but not today) - really just 45 minutes before pressing publish and send, I poured out this poem entitled, the lift.

the lift (by me for us)

Ground your feet, raise your heart.
Look within, peek without
Close your eyes again.
Ordinary me
Ordinary you
in an ordinary moment
on an ordinary day
small sacred spaces of life
huge fear, huger love
lift me up
I lift you too
bare hands
open wide
fingers curling in
veins popping out
gripping on
ordinary humans
somewhere
out there
I am a stranger
I am your friend
You are my savior
You are my mend
I imagine this
Universal
union of invisible strength
ordinary acts of
human desire
to lift
another
piece
of heaviness
from
our earth.
I am here on the left
You are there on the right
feeling something
sending something
being something
for one another
Is this ordinary to you?

And you know what? - it lifted every unsettled, lost, lonely part of me. Just connecting with you. This. I feel better because of this. This space is so much more than a space to attract subscribers. At least for me. It is a space of love and support for real emotions of real people. I already wrote it before in a letter: I want friends, not followers. I want to be a friend before a writer.

Let yourself fall darling dear, but for the love of this life - your dear life - remember that you know how to rise in love.

Like my poem, I do imagine each one of us, feet grounded, hearts high, gazes within - in our small spaces and loving a little bit more than fearing, and with this, with bare hands and all of our Universal strength, giving each other lifts towards settled, safer, seen; lifting another piece of heaviness from the Earth and holding one another with all of our love. I have said it before, love lifts, like nothing else can.

Can you imagine this right now too? I hope you can because it is so special. I feel like I am floating right now. I am in an entirely different place from when I started writing this to you. Let them try to convince me otherwise, but this is what matters. Me being human. You being human. And us giving and receiving, pouring out and filling up one another's hearts with attention, true caring, and love.

thank you for being here. my heart is reaching out towards yours. please feel this and reach back out. I will feel you. xo Danni

1.

Karen Salmansohn

has a brand new release, Your To-Die-For Life. Available wherever books are sold. Check it out!