Being here in the fullness of it all is the hardest job we will ever have to
dobe.
Hi and Wow. What a week … woh, would never have thought that a week in bed could be so intense.
But this staying put thing is never easy. It is a continuous practice.
As
wrote in Notes:Time travel is one of societies biggest problems.
We travel back in time and suffer things that no longer happen. We travel forward in time and suffer things that have not happened and may never. Be present in the moment and you will suffer less.
My mind this week was like
@%€/&*#%/#÷×%+-/0/0/0/0=???!!!:@
I am working on trust in body here. If you don’t know, I have this knee thing.
And all the other stuff in my head. I will leap and say, you too, maybe minus ‘the knee’.
So my current trust issue (well, one anyway)…
I am experimenting with my faith in my body to heal itself. It has worked many times in the past. So many times, I have felt my way back with proper rest. Maybe it will work, maybe not.
But isn’t this when we need to place restore more trust, when things are uncertain?
Restore = make something alive again
Isn't this what the world needs to do right now? Me, you, and all of humanity. On a personal level. On a global level.
trust. if we don’t have this?….
And, I know that I won’t feel right about it if I don't give my loving body an opportunity to bounce back on its own. I have to try.
I hear a whisper as I share this. It is saying, we have to try…
(and yes mom, if it doesn't work, I promise that I will go for xrays.)
And honestly, my spirit has been like really up these past weeks.
I have been a zen monk, Tony Robbins, and a California All Stars cheerleader wrapped into one. Yay me. Yay daily practice. Yay me committed to this living practice… trust faith patience love…
until Thursday when I had a momentary crash.
I was feeling lonely. My husband was feeling stressed. My knee was feeling heavy, stiff, and sore. The world…
@%€/&*#%/#÷×%+-/0/0/0/0=???!!!:@
And the mind went in tilt. For about 30 minutes.
ImpossibileI'mpossibleImpossibileI'mpossibleImpossibileI'mpossibleImpossibileI'mpossibleImpossibileI'mpossibleImpossibileI'mpossibleImpossibileI'mpossibleImpossibileI'mpossibleImpossibileI'mpossibleImpossibileI'mpossibleImpossibileI'mpossible
Then 90 more minutes of horrible self-talk. Complete loss of faith in my body and everything else. My writing, my thoughts, my emotions… all useless. Garbage. Without meaning.
I am…
place every negative thought you have ever had here. And just, what the hell am I doing with my knee, my writing, my life?!
And also, I am…
more horrible words for complaining. I am so ungrateful and selfish.
And stupid. Which quickly transforms into everything is stupid.
Not fine. Not fine. Not fine.
Nothing is fine.
Have you felt like this about yourself, anything… everything… lately?
And being everywhere except where life needed me to be.
Here.
girl stop traveling, said a voice.
Then I remembered to take a breath. It felt like the first one, like I was in apnea for last 120 minutes.
And I took another breath. There it was. Air entering a sealed, plastic bag. Light sneaking in from an ant-sized hole. Flowers suddenly appeared.
A new beginning. The new beginning.
I AM. Just this. I AM. I AM. I AM.
and
I can always begin again. As many times and as often that I need.
We all can. It just takes remembering and offering yourself this gentle, compassionate act of kindness.
permission slip: free reset. available every moment of every day. undesirable holidays included. thru world destruction. valid for a lifetime.
And from this, the words of my practice began to flow in.
This is the living practice I speak so lovingly and passionate about.
It meets us when we need it the most. It brings us back to faith, trust, acceptance, patience, compassion, love… loving ourselves and our life.
It reminds you that you are beautiful life. You are meant to shine. It tells you not to look back or ahead. Just rise.
And I did. I went to the freezer to get the icepack for my knee, and I began writing this:
What do I need to start healing right now? What do I need to start healing everything? What do I need to make things feel fine again?
Another breath. That gap of magnificient inner space.
Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.
This word that we use carelessly. Something we say for a more perfect presentation, to avoid real conversation, in an attempt to self-soothe.
But what if I can't say fine right now? Because it is not accurate. Because it is not enough. Because in this moment, I am not.
What can I say that feels more healing right now? More honest.
A breath as I readjust my icepack on the other side of my kneecap. Then this…
What if instead of Fine, I say Full. Fully experiencing. Fully here. My life is not fine. It is full.
Full means everything. Can we be here, healing with this?
And then I wrote more questions:
How does the quality of my living practice change when my intention is for it to begin to heal me as I am right now?
How does my willingness to be here right now change when my goal is not to feel fine, but full - with everything - because this is what heals?
And I wrote this:
I trust this capacity to restore from within.
What if we would all extend this fully to everything, to each other? What would happen?
I remove the icepack and replace it with heat. At this point, I no longer have to use a timer. But I do. It keeps me company.
I accept that it may never be easy to stay in bed for a prolonged period of time.
another whisper:
or staying with this world.
But my intention of fullness makes this feel better. I remember Now, that I don’t have to be Fine.
Full is my starting point towards healed.
Full Acceptance. Full Gentleness and Love.
Being fully human.
These are all just thoughts. Things to keep reflecting on. Any of yours to share?
Maybe this pop in wasn’t about my reslessness or my knee afterall. Not totally. Maybe my momentary crash wasn’t only about personal healing or trust.
Is it ever?
A voice inside of us is saying, I am restless about the world. It is not fine. Not fine.
Our living practice: Love, stay. Breathe. Healing begins even before the hurting ends. Trust. Begin again. You are full human, I shall help you rise.
We are all feeling everything so much. It is impossible to point to one why. Honestly, we are full of reasons.
This essential reminder once again that everything is connected. And so are we.
a prayer
may we rest tenderly in our inner spaces today. may we stay as we heal through life’s pain. may we Trust in our human fullness, that this will bring us back to a place where we can breathe. may we feel gratitude for the fullness of all life, even when lots of pieces are not fine. may we spread our prayers within and without for full protection and love*, as we patiently wait for new air, new Light, the reflowerings and rebirths to arrive. may we craddle one another with the beautiful aliveness of Everything that we can experience in this Now.
a blessed Sunday friends. may you be extra loving to yourself. my heart reaching out towards yours, xo Danni
*thank you for inspiring this prayer.
This is a beautifully honest piece of writing. Thank you for sharing.
I am curious if you know why you felt the need to say you were fine when were not feeling so.
I have this belief that no emotion is better than any other. There is no such think as a bad emotion, unless there's is a problem that makes one emotion become out of balance.
If you are feeling upset or sad or whatever, I believe it is healthy to feel you emotions to heal them. If possible, do not judge your emotions, acknowledge them and feel them.
I understand the desire to heal quickly. It is difficult to have the patience to wait for healing. All you can do is do the things that are in your control and then you have to have the patience to see what happens. Does your knee heal fully? How long will it take? There is only one way to know, wait.
Be gentle on yourself. People often have an inner critic that is so harsh on themselves that if this critic were an actual other person it would be considered and abusive relationship.
Sending love and positive energy your way.
Beautiful prayer. 🙏 I just remembered what helped me when my knee went whack— red light therapy belt.
Praying for healing for you, your knee, for me, for the world!