What a lovely interview. Thank you both. My adult daughter and I read it together and it sparked a rich conversation— including what I would do differently as a mom if given a do-over. I would not have tried to balance it all— for in doing so I had less time as a mom and less time in my career- watered down versions of each from survival mode necessity. If I could have a do-over— I would have lived more simply and surrendered more fully to just being a mom for the first 12 years. I miss those days and wish I could go back and be more present and trust by age 12 my daughter would need me less and my career would begin to come back. I also wish I hadn’t allowed myself to be pressured by other parents or advice givers to be less protective- that was bad advice. I wish I’d been even more protective. The part we both enjoyed from this interview the most was, “ I’ve been intentional about encouraging them to trust themselves. I say things like:
“What’s your gut telling you?”
“What feels aligned with who you are?”
“What choice lets you sleep well tonight?”
“Lean fully into yourself.” The part we expanded on in conversation was how important it was for my daughter to not just hear me tell her that she had the power and authority to stand up for herself and say, “no” when necessary, but to actually practice it. We still practice what it feels like to say the uncomfortable truths and to visualize alternative options. We perform how we practice. I taught my daughter how to stand up for herself by challenging her to stand up to me. She said I was like Enola Holme’s mom and that she loved it. lol - that’s what works for us. As I watch her adult in the real world, I’m so proud of her confidence in her own skin and in her convictions. Great interview! 👏🏽🫶🏽🪞🤗💗 https://youtu.be/YgzrdKqyKTs?si=JYU-JyUGKY7UOd6i
Sage, I hope you know how precious your presence is here. And Gracie's too. I love that you read it together and it opened a window for conversation. I so appreciate what you shared. I recently read something about this idea of balance. I don't remember which Substacker wrote about this, but it said something like balance should not be the goal bc it isn't possible. When we are committed to giving the full attention required to do anything we do with true love, we need to choose with intention. This resonates with me because I am not a good multi-tasker. You know by now how slow I am when I am thriving in my natural state. And this goal of obtaining balance has always challenged me. I gave up so much to be there for my family full-time, full attention. Sometimes I felt conflicted bc having one's own needs is natural. I felt like it was too much to give up and all the things that I could have been if I did not give all of me for my family. But most of the time, it was the most sacred sacrifice and looking back, I would not change it. This said, I too would go back and change my expectations of myself. I always felt that I was great with my girls and great with my husband, but all three together (add the dog - 4) was too much. I often felt like I had to give everyone my all to be a great mom and wife. I now know that setting boundaries would have been beneficial for all. We cannot give on empty. Often I was tired, stressed, disappointed with myself and this caused me to be less loving with all of us than I would have been if I would have had smaller, more humble expectations. But I also know now that this is all part of our journey. We learn by making mistakes (loving imperfectly) and then reflecting and making wiser choices. We forgive ourselves for not knowing better. This is how we raise ourselves with love. We aren’t supposed to know it all or love perfectly. None of us will ever be this. When we learn this and accept it we can be sure that we are doing a great job. I love your relationship with Gracie and I love sharing momma (parent) experience with beautiful, inspiring, such loving humans like you and Erin. Thanks again. And thank you for sharing this Q&A. I agree both the interview and Erin are so lovely. xo
So beautifully said and with such truth and acceptance as you reflect back on your experience raising a family — being a FT mom, a FT wife and a FT dog mama with high expectations of being able to miraculously do it all perfectly like Mrs. Beaver. It’s A LOT. Looking back at my complicated life I honestly don’t know how I did what I did. I kept pouring and pouring myself into everything I did and into everyone I loved deeply all while I was trying desperately to keep peace amongst myself, my children —a treasured gift in my second marriage — and those around me with constant challenges and struggles coming in my direction/their direction given the varying circumstances. I thought I was keeping us all balanced…
I could go on forever, but I’ll stop here. Thank you for your and Sage’s words spoken from your hearts and a place of self respect, self compassion and self-forgiveness. 💕
Dlane, thank you for sharing allof this. It is the true spirit and intention of this Bare HEARTS space, created for everyone to be honored and listened to, learned from- not only the guest's voice and story or mine. I am so grateful for you doing this with us. What you shared reminds me of the unbelievable strength we grow for our children, for our desire to show up for them. Truly unbelievable because as you said, looking back, we cannot believe all that we did, all that we got through. Like truly, how?! Motherly love is all about bringing out our fullest potential- not at all perfect - we stumble and doubt again and again and again- except we are perfect at showing up in whatever shape or form, often running around like crazy, often crawling with our last bit of might- but we do it. For me, it hasn't always looked pretty and polished. Pretty awful so many times. But the love makes it always beautiful especially when we are looking back. This maybe is proof of our progress in our self-love journey as moms -we look back and see more of what we did do than all the ways we failed. And we feel proud of this. I could go on too (Of course we can - as devoted moms it is the topic we are most passionate about.), but I won't. All my love. xo
Thank you so much Danni. Your words of sincere understanding because you’ve been there, done that and will continue to as we all do — even as empty nesters — definitely provoked a few tears. Not of sadness. Tears of triumph, resilience, gratitude and love. 🫶
One thing that I am learning is that our kids need us just as much as they get older - in a way more. They want to prove themselves independent and strong (mostly to make us proud, to feel their own self-worth) so our job is to create space for this (so difficult to know when and how much so we must trust our instinct), be loving, and be there like a life support when they reach back out. And, our kids need us to practice mindfulness and self-love at every age. xo
Thank you so much for sharing this, Sage. The fact that you and your daughter read it together—and then let it spark such an honest conversation—that’s everything! It speaks volumes about the relationship you’ve built and the trust the two of you are growing.
And your reflections on what you’d do differently… they’re tender and real, and I know so many parents will see themselves in them.
Truly—this meant a lot to read. I’m grateful to you. 🧡
I agree. Our children are past 35 now, yet the ongoing support and love continues. Mindful meditation has been an integral part of my daily practice for two years now. Often I will meditate a few times a day.
Some my favorite guided meditation teachers teachers on Substack include Jeff Warren, Sebene Selassie, Cara Lai, Dan Harris and his weekly live podcasts with special guests each month leading a meditation including Vinny Ferraro…Off Substack: Dave Vago, Ph.D., Kristen Neff, Jonathan Foust, Tara Brach, Oren Jay Sofer, Dawn Mauricio and Sharon Salzberg.
Diane, I was driving myself crazy thinking who asked me about my meditation practice. Since there were new comments here, I finally found ya. I often meditate alone. I actually have a YouTube channel @inspiredwithdanni where I have recorded meditations. I haven't posted any in a while. I am also subscribed to Inner Dimension, a platform with yoga, meditation, and pranayama. If you are interested, I can send you a guest pass for a free trial. If you have any favorite meditations that you regularly do, please share. xo
On Substack I very much enjoy mindfulness meditations with Jeff Warren (also on YouTube), Dawn Mauricio, Cara Lai and so many others. I’ll be sure to check out your YouTube channel. Happy be happy to accept your invitation for a free trial to Inner Dimension. Thank you. The few paid subscriptions I have and love were gifted to me. I cannot afford any myself. I am deeply grateful to so many people with accounts I can access and benefit from.
Ohhh thank you @Danni Levy and @Erin Miller for this extraordinary look at parenting and single motherhood. '
If you follow me you know I am a dog mom who always hoped to be a mom but the universe had other plans for me. Moving forward today I find myself coaching moms and, in some cases, their children.
I do work with several single moms and I know they are true heroes. With every meeting they continue to amaze me …. their strength, their ability to start again and again, and their desire to be better and better.
I loved everything in this interview … thanks to both of you.
Susan, thank you so much for sharing your experience and appreciation for this Q&A. I said it at the end of the interview, this one felt like a gift. The world needs mothers (of all types and I love how you, Susan, have found your way of mothering too), the world needs motherly love from humans devoted to raising themselves by always raising the bar on self-love, attention, and honesty. I am not a single mom, but Erin and I have so much in common. The way we mother ourselves and our daughters. It is the most difficult and important job, especially in this world where essential core values are being stripped from us. Attention for self and attention for the children (not only our own) is attention for this world. Love getting to know you here. Thanks again and all my love to you and your fur baby. xo
Thank you so much for this, Susan. There’s nothing more beautiful than taking an unmet longing and giving it a meaningful place to go. That’s genuine motherhood—showing up, supporting, steadying. The moms you work with feel that, I’m sure of it.
Truly—thank you for reading, and for the work you’re doing.
Thank you Pasqual. So glad that you enjoyed it. Know that your comment and presence here with us is greatly appreciated. Please share if it feels right. Have a wonderful day.
As I reflect on this interview, I'm struck by the universal need for connection and understanding. We all yearn to be seen, heard, and valued for who we are. It's as if our hearts are craving nourishment for empathy, compassion, and genuine connection.
What if we approached each other with curiosity and openness, seeking to understand rather than judge? What if we prioritized connection over correction, and empathy over assumption?
In this space, we might discover that our differences are not weaknesses, but strengths. That our unique perspectives and experiences are not barriers, but bridges to deeper understanding. 🙏💗
I agree completely. This applies equally in our homes, with our personal relationships, and when we are reflecting on bigger, world issues. Curiosity and empathy over judgment. Judgment is based on fear. Curiosity is based on love. We can learn to be more open minded and hearted by treating ourselves with gentleness, compassion, and love first. Thank you for this beautiful reflection. I am so grateful for your contribution here. This is what this project is about. All of us sharing thoughts, emotions, and experience.
Thank you Danni! I love how you broke it down to the core - judgment stems from fear, while curiosity is rooted in love. By extending compassion and love to ourselves, we can become more open-minded. Let's continue to nurture a space where we can share our thoughts, emotions, and experiences with empathy and understanding. 🙏💗
I couldn't agree more. I think most of us crave exactly what you’re describing—being met with curiosity instead of assumptions, connection instead of correction. And when we slow down enough to actually see each other, the differences don’t feel like walls anymore. They help us understand more. You’ve articulated it beautifully—thank you. 🧡
Thank you for your heartfelt response. I think by slowing down and truly seeing each other, we can transform our differences into opportunities for growth and understanding. 🙏💗
When we slow down enough to actually see each other. Everything about these words feel so good and so right. I swear, Erin, I am bathing in this right now. I actually needed these words today - reminding me to slow down to see my husband (it has been a week! I pulled out my copy of Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus to give you an idea in brief 😅😭) and I know that it isn't by chance that they arrived from you to me today, a day when I am extremely exhausted by the unnecessary tension and misunderstanding. I am sending you so much love and gratitude. 💝💝💝
"Connection over correction, and empathy over assumption" is a powerful mantra. By prioritizing understanding and compassion, we can create a ripple effect of kindness and empathy in our relationships and communities. May we all strive to embody this wisdom in our daily interactions. 🙏💗
Thank you for this beautiful conversation and reflections. There is so much I could say… I have written a whole book (that has taken me years! ) on the subject of motherhood, and what it has taken me to leave my abusive relationship, and now raising two (hormonal) teenage daughters on my own… boy, sometimes it feels so hard. Especially as an immigrant with no family support. Like you , Erin, I’m raising my daughters to leave, although I think this is a tough balance to get right. To be there for them unconditionally, but also not too much as to take away their agency…
Thank you for sharing this. What you’ve been carrying—leaving an abusive relationship, raising two teens on your own, doing it without family support—it’s a lot (to say it mildly), but you’re showing up, and that's *everything*.
And yes, that balance you named… being there unconditionally without stepping in so much that it takes away their agency—that’s the tension I feel every day too. It’s hard, and it changes as they change. From a mom just a little further down the road, I can assure you, the practice you’re giving them now will pay off. I promise. And I’m cheering for you.
The greatest thing. I believe that we counteract the negative energy in this world by holding one another in this way. It is as if we are creating a protective barrier made of our shared love and respect. xo
Imola, thank you for sharing a piece of your story. I do believe that this topic needs more attention. I am not a single mom, but so much resonates anyway. Raising these teens/adulting kids in this world when just this world makes us parents doubt so much - well, it is the job of jobs when you treat this parenting thing as the most important thing you do. When we love so much and know that loving in a healthy way means stepping away with trust, passing this trust onto our children. I find myself asking, how do we help them trust themselves in a world we ourselves are always questioning? I will keep it in mind and maybe we can all get together and create more space for this. Sending love and gratitude xo
Imola, thank you for sharing a piece of your story. I do believe that this topic needs more attention. I am not a single mom, but so much resonates anyway. Raising these teens/adulting kids in this world when just this world makes us parents doubt so much - well, it is the job of jobs when you treat this parenting thing as the most important thing you do. When we love so much and know that loving in a healthy way means stepping away with trust, passing this trust onto our children. I find myself asking, how do we help them trust themselves in a world we ourselves are always questioning? I will keep it in mind and maybe we can all get together and create more space for this. Sending love and gratitude xo
I loved this interview and related to so much of it—the childhood version of myself who assumed I’d be a mom, the eight years of knowing my marriage was over before it actually ended, the death of a dream and the loss of the picture I thought my life would follow. And then, of course, the unexpected joy that comes with the chance to rebuild myself, my way, a hopefully better way.
My favorite part, though, was Erin talking about motherhood and also what comes afterwards when kids are launched. My two kids are in college now, and they’ve seen me struggle, but I’ve always tried to do the right thing—and somehow things have turned out okay. Trusting my gut (post-divorce at least) has guided me through so much, and I hope they’ve absorbed that for their own lives: jobs, friendships, relationships, all of it.
And thank you for the “next best step” advice. I’m taking that with me. I loved this all, really, so much.
Patty, thank you again for being here. As parents, we doubt so much. I mean we love them more than anything and this comes with such a sense of responsibility. But we need to be aware of our minds, treat ourselves with care - the next best step... it is all about this. And honesty, communication... being authentically us for our children. When we eliminate this expectation of perfect, we can put our energy and love towards attention. For them and for ourselves. And I love how you say, 'My two kids are in college now, and they’ve seen me struggle, but I’ve always tried to do the right thing—and somehow things have turned out okay.' Because it is this. When we love with gentleness, things turn out okay. We remain connected with our children. We grow more connected with ourselves. Thanks again. Looking forward to getting to know you and sharing more life experience as moms of adulting kids and humans. xo
Thank you for this, Patty. It really does sound like we’ve walked some of the same roads, and I’m glad the “next right step” piece hit home for you.
It’s been one of the most helpful mindsets I’ve ever adopted, especially in the seasons when there was too much to do, too much to worry about, and absolutely no bandwidth for anything beyond what was right in front of me. It doesn’t always make sense to people who naturally think three months ahead or want you to plan for what might happen “down the road,” but for me, it’s been a lifesaver.
It keeps me from spiraling into all the hypothetical futures and brings me back to something I can actually move toward. And honestly, it’s helped me feel successful instead of like I’m constantly falling short—because one right step is still momentum. It still counts.
I love that your kids have gotten to watch you trust your gut and find your way. That’s an unexpected gift that can come out of a hard story—but only when someone is willing to turn hardship into something beautiful. *You did that*. And it’s a powerful thing for your kids to witness.
Thank you, Erin. I am embracing “next right step” as my mantra for the new year. Glad to have found you and Danni here and looking forward to following along!
Me too Patty. The go-to mantra question is one of my favorites because I literally sing these kind of mantras in my head all day long. I am definitely adding it to some of my other go-tos. Thank you for the love and support. So glad that you found us too. xo
I have one out of the house and one on the way... and wow. It is like waking up from a dream and having to meet myself at the edge of wakefulness with confusion. This interview gave me the permission to go slow and stay curious.
So many beautiful nuggets to chew on here! Imagine if we were all taught this-“I’d protect their light instead of the image.” Thank you for sharing. 🙏❤️
Thank you Rachel for popping in. Yes, our job is so difficult in this world - protecting their light, not their image. But if anything can protect them it is the fierce love of a completely devoted mom. This is why committing ourselves to the continued raising of ourselves is so fundamental. 💕
DIane, thank you for sharing all of this. It is the true spirit and intention of this Bare HEARTS space, created for everyone to be honored and listened to, learned from - not only the guest's voice and story or mine. I am so grateful for you doing this with us. What you shared reminds me of the unbelievable strength we grow for our children, for our desire to show up for them. Truly unbelievable because as you said, looking back, we cannot believe all that we did, all that we got through. Like truly, how?! Motherly love is all about bringing out our fullest potential- not at all perfect - we stumble and doubt again and again and again- except we are perfect at showing up in whatever shape or form, often running around like crazy, often crawling with our last bit of might - but we do it. For me, it hasn't always looked pretty and polished. Pretty awful so many times. But the love makes it always beautiful, especially when we are looking back. This maybe is proof of our progress in our self-love journey as moms - we look back and see more of what we did do than all the ways we failed. And we feel proud of this. I could go on too (Of course we can - as devoted moms it is the topic we are most passionate about.), but I won't. All my love. xo
Danni, I can’t thank you enough for the care you put into these questions and the way you held the answers. This conversation asked a lot of me, in the best possible way. I’m so grateful to share this space with you—and for your thoughtfulness and generosity toward me and everyone you come in contact with. 🧡
Erin, the right people connect for all the right reasons. I trust this. There are so many people here on Substack and I feel as if the love I am putting in is bringing just the right love in my life - the love I need right now, the humans I need to complete what felt missing. You are a gift and you made it all so easy. It is simple to love what is loving. It comes easy to bring out your inner glow. I hope this is just a beginning for us. xo
I agree Amy. Erin's honesty about motherhood and being a woman fills everything; I know that this Q&A will be something we can come back to - to remember our power, the power in our vulnerability as moms and humans. I also love the connection I feel with so many women here who are experiencing the same phase of motherhood- raising adulting kids as we continue to learn and grow. Thank you Amy for jpining this conversation. This is a conversation I definitely want to continue. xo
Hi, Dad here 😊. There is such foundational learning in this conversation. I’m going to reread it again, and then read with my fifteen year old twin daughters. And I have no doubt we will come back to it through time. Thank you! 🙏
I love that there is a dad here bc this is not meant to be an all women space. I love to honor real men, good men - dads who are full of 'daddily' love. Among so much hate, good men are needed more than ever. We need to honor them. Thank you James for sharing your appreciation. Please continue to contribute to the conversations. I am looking forward to hearing your thoughts and about your experiences, and thus, learn from and with you. xo
This means so much, James—thank you. And the thought of you reading it with your daughters makes me smile. I have zero doubt that the foundation you’re building with them will continue to pay off tenfold—for them, and you. Blessed daughters, blessed dad. 🧡
Thank you Danni and Erin for this wonderful conversation. I did not expect to find so many points that resonated with me since I am not a parent, but I was so glad to see myself nodding along as I was reading Erin's answers. So much wisdom and heart shine through—and the way you formulated your questions, Danni, supports and deepens it so well.
On thing that stayed with me the most is this: "I’m reminded that while starting over can be hard, it’s also a gift." I am in the process of somewhat starting over now, and it so encouraging and inspiring to read about your approach to it, Erin!
Justyna, I love how you confirm how certain life messages are universal. And whether you are a mother or not, we all need to mother ourselves and lives with love in order to surthrive this world, in order to form healthy relationships with others, with ourself. I said that this Q&A, although it speaks much about motherhood from the voice of an incredible mother, is also the voice of an incredible, always evolving human being. Erin’s messages are very close to me. As she says, it is about us first. We are not here to fix our children or anyone else. I have been practicing (forever a learning journey) her same philosophy since before I became a mom. Her message is about being honest, learning to communicate, setting boundaries, keeping a beginner's mind, and most of all learning to love ourselves with grntleness, patience, compassion, forgiveness, and trust. This is how we raise ourselves in a world that wants to keep us down, fearful, isolated, drugged, and dependent. Thank you Justyna for being the voice of youth here, not a mother, but learning motherly love of self. So fundamental. You give me so much hope. And yes, from my very full life experience thusfar, looking back, the meaning glows when we have prepared ourselves to see and feel it. xo
Thank you so much for this, Justyna. (What a beautiful name!) It means a lot to hear that the conversation resonated even outside the context of parenting. So much of being human—no matter our role—is about how we look at and move through what life hands us.
Mindset has been a real shift for me. Not in a “stay positive no matter what” way, but in learning how grounding gratitude and curiosity can be. They’ve carried me through a lot of beginnings and re-beginnings.
I’m cheering you on in your own “starting over!” We've got this—next right step. 😉🧡
Dear Erin, I want to say that I've read your comment soon after you shared it here, and I wanted to see how would it be to live with your mantra in mind.
I must say, it is just wonderful! It has helped me a lot, and when I feel confused or a little discouraged, I say to myself "you only need to take one right step now", and it brings me so much comfort and encouragement.
And of course, what's "right" is something we often get to decide. But I'm also curious, if you are open to sharing—how do you approach this "rightness" of your next step?
This is the loveliest thing I’ve read all day—I'm so impressed that you tried it, and so pleased that it is helpful.
What a great question. I’ll admit, this exercise really began for me when I became a single parent. I was so overwhelmed by everything that needed to be done, on top of untangling the relationship I’d been in, that this lens was the only thing that kept me from feeling buried. Back then, I viewed it more as a prioritization tool than anything else. ("I have 13 things to do today, I only have time and the bandwidth for 5, what needs to get cut?")
Now that I have language for it, I can clearly see that I was (and still do) determine “rightness” by aligning with my values. I keep a values inventory that I return to whenever the next step feels unclear, and it helps illuminate my yeses, my nos, and my not-right-nows. I've been using the inventory for the last four or five years, and created my own version last year. I'm more than happy to share it if you're interested.
Thank you so much for responding, it’s very helpful and insightful. And thank you for this generous offer! Unfortunately I missed the 24h window as I was focusing on work these days
The genuine, honest, vulnerable responses to these carefully crafted questions and prompts have left me with even more admiration for you, Erin, and have made me a new follower of you, Danni.
There’s a beautiful reverence in this conversation between moms and women. One of the things I love most about Erin’s writing is her encouragement to stay curious with our children, but the responses here have reminded me that it’s just as important to stay curious with ourselves as life shifts. There’s so much more value in being a parent who asks the right questions than being a parent who has all the answers. In that way we can truly watch our children grow into the people they are meant to be rather than a carbon copy of ourselves or who we want to be.
Just a stunning piece all around. Thank you both for putting your valuable energy into this and gifting it to the community. ❤️
Your words are so generous, and I have to say thank you for more than just your comments here: I was working on this interview while you and I were having our own conversation, and the way you shared your heart and soul with me shaped how I approached my answers. Your honesty and openness were (and still are) both inspiration and motivation.
Thank you again—for reading, for reflecting, for sharing, and for your friendship. I have so much admiration and respect for you... Plus, I adore you. ❤️
Erin, I love how what you said confirms what a positive effect our openness has on another. I was with my sister-in-law the other day sharing ordinary life stuff and I paused and said to her, 'thank you. If just feels so good to be able to be here and be myself, that you don't expect anything else from me'. This is how it so often feels here on Substack. It is like I can choose to interact with the humans I can just be my true self with. It feels so nice. Although I don't know either one of you well (yet), both you and Mary Kate feel like this for me. And, this is what I want Bare HEARTS to feel like for all involved. xo
Mary (Mary Kate, do you prefer double name? I have a daughter, Bianca Jade, so I am aware of this small detail). Thank you. haven't responded to your husband, Kyle's comment yet, but I want to say thank you to both of you for showing appreciation for this interview (and of course, the amazing Erin, who I believe you refered to as the 'parenting guru' in something I read.) It means so much. I love this project, and as with the raising of children (and ourselves), I will be a forever student. Cultivating each one matters, honoring each individual matters, being loving and respectful and curious - it all matters. And Mary/Mary Kate, I love this: "There's so much more value in being a parent who asks the right questions than being a parent who has all the answers." Being a parent is all about this. Curiosity. Curiosity to know your little, growing human, let them know that they are seen, and that you trust them. Trust as we learn to trust ourselves through all of our mistakes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I would love to get to know both you and Kyle more,. 1 willdm you. Also, can you send the link to your interview with Erin here in the comments or dm it to me if you prefer? Sending love and gratitude.
Hi Danni! Yes, double name 😊. So excited to read more of your content. A forever student - what a lovely way to think about parenting. That really removes so much pressure and shame when you consider that we are also all learning on the job as parents. At the same time, it sparks such a desire to deepen knowledge and awareness.
Yes Erin is totally amazing. Kyle would often send Erin’s posts my way and say, “read this, I think it will resonate” and it all so aligned so much with what I’m trying to do as a mom. I love the idea of reframing things for ourselves and our children rather than trying to jump in and fix everything.
I’m a lurker on substack and I’m here mostly to challenge myself and gain additional insights and knowledge on things that interest me. The parenting sphere is the one that feels most relevant to me and I am discovering there are SO many great writers here. I was deeply humbled that Erin saw something in me, without ever having read anything I personally wrote, to craft a three-part conversation with me about where I am on this journey with four small kids.
Mary Kate, looking forward to reading the conversation. I haven't even known you for a beat and I feel that something special. We are always the hardest to convince, aren't we? It feels sweet when someone else reminds us to remember how special we are. It takes an equally special person to do that. Thank you for spending your Nap time with me. xo
A beautiful read that truly resonates on so many levels. Our children are our biggest teachers and I think we forget what an honour it is to bring them into this world and raise them just sometimes it's not in the white picket fence way we once thought it might be. As Erin says, it was the loss of the picture (of marriage) we carry in our minds. I remember embracing my ex as the final goodbye, knowing that that was the end of our family unit as I knew it and it would never be the same again. Through the lessons since learnt, and the strength that I have found as a single mum (mum as I'm downunder), has shaped me in ways that I now show up as a totally different version of me and that my daughter gets to see that and learn from me as I do from her.
Fiona, thank you for generously sharing a piece of your story. I love the part that you recited from Erin’s Q&A. It is one of the parts that touched me the most. I had so many expectations of how my family needed to look, and we never met any of them. Only through letting go of that picture and allowing in another one with love and acceptance, did I find peace. Also, we may not wish it upon ourselves, but our children learn so much more from when we have fallen and then rise back up than they ever could from the ‘easy’. So happy that you are here with us. xo
Thank you so much, Fiona—and I couldn't agree more. I feel deeply honored to be my girls' parent, and while I think it's so important to be honest about the challenges of parenting, I wish we talked more about the privilege it truly is.
Here's to the unexpected wisdom and strength that is gained through flexibility and persistence. What a hard-fought, hard-won gift.
Privilege of being chosen. This is how it feels every time I am in their presence. And not only when it feels easier. There is sacredness in the hard of parenting. Fiona thanks again for continuing the conversation. This connecting and sharing is all growth. 💕
Love this interview! Thank you Danni and Erin! The idea that certainty kills curiosity... and connection... that landed hard. It feels especially relevant right now, not just in parenting but in how we relate to each other as humans.
Thanks so much, Karen—and I completely agree. Curiosity and connection go a long way toward easing so many of the tensions we’re living with right now.
Certainty is fear. Curiosity is love. Yes it is so important in general. Our perception of everything is so conditioned and distorted. Open, growing mind, open, expanding heart... this is the cure. Thank you Karen for being here with us, xo
Oh Corie, today has been a day and your comment brings me back. Who knows… I will have to brainstorm it with you when we get a chance to catch up. Thank you for being here. It adds so much more. Big love to you. xo
I look forward to catching up! Sorry it has been a day of a day. When I used to say we are going through tumultuous and transformative times I didn’t feel it so much in my blood and bones. But these past few days I’ve had so much to purge so much emotion, so much tumultuous feelings m& so much crying. I’m hoping I’m gonna come through the other side with the wisdom and growth that I need. I wish you lots of fellow mama love.
I do trust that it is transformative. But in the meantime, I keep repeating to myself that I am not crazy. Intentionally slowing down and deciding to enjoy the next several days without expectations. Cooking, curling ribbon, and celebrating Bianca Jade. She turns 18 on December 26th. We will speak soon. Love you. xo
What a lovely interview. Thank you both. My adult daughter and I read it together and it sparked a rich conversation— including what I would do differently as a mom if given a do-over. I would not have tried to balance it all— for in doing so I had less time as a mom and less time in my career- watered down versions of each from survival mode necessity. If I could have a do-over— I would have lived more simply and surrendered more fully to just being a mom for the first 12 years. I miss those days and wish I could go back and be more present and trust by age 12 my daughter would need me less and my career would begin to come back. I also wish I hadn’t allowed myself to be pressured by other parents or advice givers to be less protective- that was bad advice. I wish I’d been even more protective. The part we both enjoyed from this interview the most was, “ I’ve been intentional about encouraging them to trust themselves. I say things like:
“What’s your gut telling you?”
“What feels aligned with who you are?”
“What choice lets you sleep well tonight?”
“Lean fully into yourself.” The part we expanded on in conversation was how important it was for my daughter to not just hear me tell her that she had the power and authority to stand up for herself and say, “no” when necessary, but to actually practice it. We still practice what it feels like to say the uncomfortable truths and to visualize alternative options. We perform how we practice. I taught my daughter how to stand up for herself by challenging her to stand up to me. She said I was like Enola Holme’s mom and that she loved it. lol - that’s what works for us. As I watch her adult in the real world, I’m so proud of her confidence in her own skin and in her convictions. Great interview! 👏🏽🫶🏽🪞🤗💗 https://youtu.be/YgzrdKqyKTs?si=JYU-JyUGKY7UOd6i
Sage, I hope you know how precious your presence is here. And Gracie's too. I love that you read it together and it opened a window for conversation. I so appreciate what you shared. I recently read something about this idea of balance. I don't remember which Substacker wrote about this, but it said something like balance should not be the goal bc it isn't possible. When we are committed to giving the full attention required to do anything we do with true love, we need to choose with intention. This resonates with me because I am not a good multi-tasker. You know by now how slow I am when I am thriving in my natural state. And this goal of obtaining balance has always challenged me. I gave up so much to be there for my family full-time, full attention. Sometimes I felt conflicted bc having one's own needs is natural. I felt like it was too much to give up and all the things that I could have been if I did not give all of me for my family. But most of the time, it was the most sacred sacrifice and looking back, I would not change it. This said, I too would go back and change my expectations of myself. I always felt that I was great with my girls and great with my husband, but all three together (add the dog - 4) was too much. I often felt like I had to give everyone my all to be a great mom and wife. I now know that setting boundaries would have been beneficial for all. We cannot give on empty. Often I was tired, stressed, disappointed with myself and this caused me to be less loving with all of us than I would have been if I would have had smaller, more humble expectations. But I also know now that this is all part of our journey. We learn by making mistakes (loving imperfectly) and then reflecting and making wiser choices. We forgive ourselves for not knowing better. This is how we raise ourselves with love. We aren’t supposed to know it all or love perfectly. None of us will ever be this. When we learn this and accept it we can be sure that we are doing a great job. I love your relationship with Gracie and I love sharing momma (parent) experience with beautiful, inspiring, such loving humans like you and Erin. Thanks again. And thank you for sharing this Q&A. I agree both the interview and Erin are so lovely. xo
So beautifully said and with such truth and acceptance as you reflect back on your experience raising a family — being a FT mom, a FT wife and a FT dog mama with high expectations of being able to miraculously do it all perfectly like Mrs. Beaver. It’s A LOT. Looking back at my complicated life I honestly don’t know how I did what I did. I kept pouring and pouring myself into everything I did and into everyone I loved deeply all while I was trying desperately to keep peace amongst myself, my children —a treasured gift in my second marriage — and those around me with constant challenges and struggles coming in my direction/their direction given the varying circumstances. I thought I was keeping us all balanced…
I could go on forever, but I’ll stop here. Thank you for your and Sage’s words spoken from your hearts and a place of self respect, self compassion and self-forgiveness. 💕
Dlane, thank you for sharing allof this. It is the true spirit and intention of this Bare HEARTS space, created for everyone to be honored and listened to, learned from- not only the guest's voice and story or mine. I am so grateful for you doing this with us. What you shared reminds me of the unbelievable strength we grow for our children, for our desire to show up for them. Truly unbelievable because as you said, looking back, we cannot believe all that we did, all that we got through. Like truly, how?! Motherly love is all about bringing out our fullest potential- not at all perfect - we stumble and doubt again and again and again- except we are perfect at showing up in whatever shape or form, often running around like crazy, often crawling with our last bit of might- but we do it. For me, it hasn't always looked pretty and polished. Pretty awful so many times. But the love makes it always beautiful especially when we are looking back. This maybe is proof of our progress in our self-love journey as moms -we look back and see more of what we did do than all the ways we failed. And we feel proud of this. I could go on too (Of course we can - as devoted moms it is the topic we are most passionate about.), but I won't. All my love. xo
Thank you so much Danni. Your words of sincere understanding because you’ve been there, done that and will continue to as we all do — even as empty nesters — definitely provoked a few tears. Not of sadness. Tears of triumph, resilience, gratitude and love. 🫶
One thing that I am learning is that our kids need us just as much as they get older - in a way more. They want to prove themselves independent and strong (mostly to make us proud, to feel their own self-worth) so our job is to create space for this (so difficult to know when and how much so we must trust our instinct), be loving, and be there like a life support when they reach back out. And, our kids need us to practice mindfulness and self-love at every age. xo
I hear this, Diane. It is a lot. Let's give each other a big group mama hug!
Yesss!
💞 and happy holidays Diane. xo
💕💕💕
Thank you so much for sharing this, Sage. The fact that you and your daughter read it together—and then let it spark such an honest conversation—that’s everything! It speaks volumes about the relationship you’ve built and the trust the two of you are growing.
And your reflections on what you’d do differently… they’re tender and real, and I know so many parents will see themselves in them.
Truly—this meant a lot to read. I’m grateful to you. 🧡
I agree. Our children are past 35 now, yet the ongoing support and love continues. Mindful meditation has been an integral part of my daily practice for two years now. Often I will meditate a few times a day.
Some my favorite guided meditation teachers teachers on Substack include Jeff Warren, Sebene Selassie, Cara Lai, Dan Harris and his weekly live podcasts with special guests each month leading a meditation including Vinny Ferraro…Off Substack: Dave Vago, Ph.D., Kristen Neff, Jonathan Foust, Tara Brach, Oren Jay Sofer, Dawn Mauricio and Sharon Salzberg.
Who do you like to meditate with?
Diane, I was driving myself crazy thinking who asked me about my meditation practice. Since there were new comments here, I finally found ya. I often meditate alone. I actually have a YouTube channel @inspiredwithdanni where I have recorded meditations. I haven't posted any in a while. I am also subscribed to Inner Dimension, a platform with yoga, meditation, and pranayama. If you are interested, I can send you a guest pass for a free trial. If you have any favorite meditations that you regularly do, please share. xo
Too many people to keep track of. ;)
On Substack I very much enjoy mindfulness meditations with Jeff Warren (also on YouTube), Dawn Mauricio, Cara Lai and so many others. I’ll be sure to check out your YouTube channel. Happy be happy to accept your invitation for a free trial to Inner Dimension. Thank you. The few paid subscriptions I have and love were gifted to me. I cannot afford any myself. I am deeply grateful to so many people with accounts I can access and benefit from.
Thank you again.
Wishing you a peaceful holiday and new year!
Dmed you the pass. Merry Christmas and all my love, xo
Ohhh thank you @Danni Levy and @Erin Miller for this extraordinary look at parenting and single motherhood. '
If you follow me you know I am a dog mom who always hoped to be a mom but the universe had other plans for me. Moving forward today I find myself coaching moms and, in some cases, their children.
I do work with several single moms and I know they are true heroes. With every meeting they continue to amaze me …. their strength, their ability to start again and again, and their desire to be better and better.
I loved everything in this interview … thanks to both of you.
Susan, thank you so much for sharing your experience and appreciation for this Q&A. I said it at the end of the interview, this one felt like a gift. The world needs mothers (of all types and I love how you, Susan, have found your way of mothering too), the world needs motherly love from humans devoted to raising themselves by always raising the bar on self-love, attention, and honesty. I am not a single mom, but Erin and I have so much in common. The way we mother ourselves and our daughters. It is the most difficult and important job, especially in this world where essential core values are being stripped from us. Attention for self and attention for the children (not only our own) is attention for this world. Love getting to know you here. Thanks again and all my love to you and your fur baby. xo
Thank you so much for this, Susan. There’s nothing more beautiful than taking an unmet longing and giving it a meaningful place to go. That’s genuine motherhood—showing up, supporting, steadying. The moms you work with feel that, I’m sure of it.
Truly—thank you for reading, and for the work you’re doing.
Great interview. Powerful piece.
Thank you Pasqual. So glad that you enjoyed it. Know that your comment and presence here with us is greatly appreciated. Please share if it feels right. Have a wonderful day.
Nah I appreciate it. You a real one. Your stuff is always insightful so thank you for that.
Thank you, Pasqual.
Thank you to Erin. I appreciate you.
Agreed! I feel... hugged and held and understood.
As I reflect on this interview, I'm struck by the universal need for connection and understanding. We all yearn to be seen, heard, and valued for who we are. It's as if our hearts are craving nourishment for empathy, compassion, and genuine connection.
What if we approached each other with curiosity and openness, seeking to understand rather than judge? What if we prioritized connection over correction, and empathy over assumption?
In this space, we might discover that our differences are not weaknesses, but strengths. That our unique perspectives and experiences are not barriers, but bridges to deeper understanding. 🙏💗
I agree completely. This applies equally in our homes, with our personal relationships, and when we are reflecting on bigger, world issues. Curiosity and empathy over judgment. Judgment is based on fear. Curiosity is based on love. We can learn to be more open minded and hearted by treating ourselves with gentleness, compassion, and love first. Thank you for this beautiful reflection. I am so grateful for your contribution here. This is what this project is about. All of us sharing thoughts, emotions, and experience.
Thank you Danni! I love how you broke it down to the core - judgment stems from fear, while curiosity is rooted in love. By extending compassion and love to ourselves, we can become more open-minded. Let's continue to nurture a space where we can share our thoughts, emotions, and experiences with empathy and understanding. 🙏💗
I couldn't agree more. I think most of us crave exactly what you’re describing—being met with curiosity instead of assumptions, connection instead of correction. And when we slow down enough to actually see each other, the differences don’t feel like walls anymore. They help us understand more. You’ve articulated it beautifully—thank you. 🧡
Thank you for your heartfelt response. I think by slowing down and truly seeing each other, we can transform our differences into opportunities for growth and understanding. 🙏💗
When we slow down enough to actually see each other. Everything about these words feel so good and so right. I swear, Erin, I am bathing in this right now. I actually needed these words today - reminding me to slow down to see my husband (it has been a week! I pulled out my copy of Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus to give you an idea in brief 😅😭) and I know that it isn't by chance that they arrived from you to me today, a day when I am extremely exhausted by the unnecessary tension and misunderstanding. I am sending you so much love and gratitude. 💝💝💝
"...connection over correction, and empathy over assumption..."
I'll take that piece of wisdom right there!
"Connection over correction, and empathy over assumption" is a powerful mantra. By prioritizing understanding and compassion, we can create a ripple effect of kindness and empathy in our relationships and communities. May we all strive to embody this wisdom in our daily interactions. 🙏💗
Adding this to my next letter which offers some 'mantras' for us to continue with. xo
💕💕💕
Thank you for this beautiful conversation and reflections. There is so much I could say… I have written a whole book (that has taken me years! ) on the subject of motherhood, and what it has taken me to leave my abusive relationship, and now raising two (hormonal) teenage daughters on my own… boy, sometimes it feels so hard. Especially as an immigrant with no family support. Like you , Erin, I’m raising my daughters to leave, although I think this is a tough balance to get right. To be there for them unconditionally, but also not too much as to take away their agency…
Thank you for sharing this. What you’ve been carrying—leaving an abusive relationship, raising two teens on your own, doing it without family support—it’s a lot (to say it mildly), but you’re showing up, and that's *everything*.
And yes, that balance you named… being there unconditionally without stepping in so much that it takes away their agency—that’s the tension I feel every day too. It’s hard, and it changes as they change. From a mom just a little further down the road, I can assure you, the practice you’re giving them now will pay off. I promise. And I’m cheering for you.
@Imola fierce, beautiful soul. xo
Thank you Erin! It’s the greatest thing we can do, to cheer each other on.
The greatest thing. I believe that we counteract the negative energy in this world by holding one another in this way. It is as if we are creating a protective barrier made of our shared love and respect. xo
And you're SO good at it, Danni. 🧡
Imola, thank you for sharing a piece of your story. I do believe that this topic needs more attention. I am not a single mom, but so much resonates anyway. Raising these teens/adulting kids in this world when just this world makes us parents doubt so much - well, it is the job of jobs when you treat this parenting thing as the most important thing you do. When we love so much and know that loving in a healthy way means stepping away with trust, passing this trust onto our children. I find myself asking, how do we help them trust themselves in a world we ourselves are always questioning? I will keep it in mind and maybe we can all get together and create more space for this. Sending love and gratitude xo
Imola, thank you for sharing a piece of your story. I do believe that this topic needs more attention. I am not a single mom, but so much resonates anyway. Raising these teens/adulting kids in this world when just this world makes us parents doubt so much - well, it is the job of jobs when you treat this parenting thing as the most important thing you do. When we love so much and know that loving in a healthy way means stepping away with trust, passing this trust onto our children. I find myself asking, how do we help them trust themselves in a world we ourselves are always questioning? I will keep it in mind and maybe we can all get together and create more space for this. Sending love and gratitude xo
Much love back to you Danni! 🙏🏼💕
I loved this interview and related to so much of it—the childhood version of myself who assumed I’d be a mom, the eight years of knowing my marriage was over before it actually ended, the death of a dream and the loss of the picture I thought my life would follow. And then, of course, the unexpected joy that comes with the chance to rebuild myself, my way, a hopefully better way.
My favorite part, though, was Erin talking about motherhood and also what comes afterwards when kids are launched. My two kids are in college now, and they’ve seen me struggle, but I’ve always tried to do the right thing—and somehow things have turned out okay. Trusting my gut (post-divorce at least) has guided me through so much, and I hope they’ve absorbed that for their own lives: jobs, friendships, relationships, all of it.
And thank you for the “next best step” advice. I’m taking that with me. I loved this all, really, so much.
Patty, thank you again for being here. As parents, we doubt so much. I mean we love them more than anything and this comes with such a sense of responsibility. But we need to be aware of our minds, treat ourselves with care - the next best step... it is all about this. And honesty, communication... being authentically us for our children. When we eliminate this expectation of perfect, we can put our energy and love towards attention. For them and for ourselves. And I love how you say, 'My two kids are in college now, and they’ve seen me struggle, but I’ve always tried to do the right thing—and somehow things have turned out okay.' Because it is this. When we love with gentleness, things turn out okay. We remain connected with our children. We grow more connected with ourselves. Thanks again. Looking forward to getting to know you and sharing more life experience as moms of adulting kids and humans. xo
Thank you for this, Patty. It really does sound like we’ve walked some of the same roads, and I’m glad the “next right step” piece hit home for you.
It’s been one of the most helpful mindsets I’ve ever adopted, especially in the seasons when there was too much to do, too much to worry about, and absolutely no bandwidth for anything beyond what was right in front of me. It doesn’t always make sense to people who naturally think three months ahead or want you to plan for what might happen “down the road,” but for me, it’s been a lifesaver.
It keeps me from spiraling into all the hypothetical futures and brings me back to something I can actually move toward. And honestly, it’s helped me feel successful instead of like I’m constantly falling short—because one right step is still momentum. It still counts.
I love that your kids have gotten to watch you trust your gut and find your way. That’s an unexpected gift that can come out of a hard story—but only when someone is willing to turn hardship into something beautiful. *You did that*. And it’s a powerful thing for your kids to witness.
Thank you, Erin. I am embracing “next right step” as my mantra for the new year. Glad to have found you and Danni here and looking forward to following along!
Me too Patty. The go-to mantra question is one of my favorites because I literally sing these kind of mantras in my head all day long. I am definitely adding it to some of my other go-tos. Thank you for the love and support. So glad that you found us too. xo
I have one out of the house and one on the way... and wow. It is like waking up from a dream and having to meet myself at the edge of wakefulness with confusion. This interview gave me the permission to go slow and stay curious.
So many beautiful nuggets to chew on here! Imagine if we were all taught this-“I’d protect their light instead of the image.” Thank you for sharing. 🙏❤️
Thanks so much, Rachel. 🧡
Thank you Rachel for popping in. Yes, our job is so difficult in this world - protecting their light, not their image. But if anything can protect them it is the fierce love of a completely devoted mom. This is why committing ourselves to the continued raising of ourselves is so fundamental. 💕
DIane, thank you for sharing all of this. It is the true spirit and intention of this Bare HEARTS space, created for everyone to be honored and listened to, learned from - not only the guest's voice and story or mine. I am so grateful for you doing this with us. What you shared reminds me of the unbelievable strength we grow for our children, for our desire to show up for them. Truly unbelievable because as you said, looking back, we cannot believe all that we did, all that we got through. Like truly, how?! Motherly love is all about bringing out our fullest potential- not at all perfect - we stumble and doubt again and again and again- except we are perfect at showing up in whatever shape or form, often running around like crazy, often crawling with our last bit of might - but we do it. For me, it hasn't always looked pretty and polished. Pretty awful so many times. But the love makes it always beautiful, especially when we are looking back. This maybe is proof of our progress in our self-love journey as moms - we look back and see more of what we did do than all the ways we failed. And we feel proud of this. I could go on too (Of course we can - as devoted moms it is the topic we are most passionate about.), but I won't. All my love. xo
Danni, I can’t thank you enough for the care you put into these questions and the way you held the answers. This conversation asked a lot of me, in the best possible way. I’m so grateful to share this space with you—and for your thoughtfulness and generosity toward me and everyone you come in contact with. 🧡
Erin, the right people connect for all the right reasons. I trust this. There are so many people here on Substack and I feel as if the love I am putting in is bringing just the right love in my life - the love I need right now, the humans I need to complete what felt missing. You are a gift and you made it all so easy. It is simple to love what is loving. It comes easy to bring out your inner glow. I hope this is just a beginning for us. xo
So much synchronicity here with what Erin shared so honestly and vulnerably, I savored this interview!
I agree Amy. Erin's honesty about motherhood and being a woman fills everything; I know that this Q&A will be something we can come back to - to remember our power, the power in our vulnerability as moms and humans. I also love the connection I feel with so many women here who are experiencing the same phase of motherhood- raising adulting kids as we continue to learn and grow. Thank you Amy for jpining this conversation. This is a conversation I definitely want to continue. xo
That means so much, Amy—thank you! 🧡
Hi, Dad here 😊. There is such foundational learning in this conversation. I’m going to reread it again, and then read with my fifteen year old twin daughters. And I have no doubt we will come back to it through time. Thank you! 🙏
I love that there is a dad here bc this is not meant to be an all women space. I love to honor real men, good men - dads who are full of 'daddily' love. Among so much hate, good men are needed more than ever. We need to honor them. Thank you James for sharing your appreciation. Please continue to contribute to the conversations. I am looking forward to hearing your thoughts and about your experiences, and thus, learn from and with you. xo
This means so much, James—thank you. And the thought of you reading it with your daughters makes me smile. I have zero doubt that the foundation you’re building with them will continue to pay off tenfold—for them, and you. Blessed daughters, blessed dad. 🧡
Thank you Danni and Erin for this wonderful conversation. I did not expect to find so many points that resonated with me since I am not a parent, but I was so glad to see myself nodding along as I was reading Erin's answers. So much wisdom and heart shine through—and the way you formulated your questions, Danni, supports and deepens it so well.
On thing that stayed with me the most is this: "I’m reminded that while starting over can be hard, it’s also a gift." I am in the process of somewhat starting over now, and it so encouraging and inspiring to read about your approach to it, Erin!
Justyna, I love how you confirm how certain life messages are universal. And whether you are a mother or not, we all need to mother ourselves and lives with love in order to surthrive this world, in order to form healthy relationships with others, with ourself. I said that this Q&A, although it speaks much about motherhood from the voice of an incredible mother, is also the voice of an incredible, always evolving human being. Erin’s messages are very close to me. As she says, it is about us first. We are not here to fix our children or anyone else. I have been practicing (forever a learning journey) her same philosophy since before I became a mom. Her message is about being honest, learning to communicate, setting boundaries, keeping a beginner's mind, and most of all learning to love ourselves with grntleness, patience, compassion, forgiveness, and trust. This is how we raise ourselves in a world that wants to keep us down, fearful, isolated, drugged, and dependent. Thank you Justyna for being the voice of youth here, not a mother, but learning motherly love of self. So fundamental. You give me so much hope. And yes, from my very full life experience thusfar, looking back, the meaning glows when we have prepared ourselves to see and feel it. xo
so beautifully said, thank you, Danni! ❤️
Love to you beauty. 😘😘
Thank you so much for this, Justyna. (What a beautiful name!) It means a lot to hear that the conversation resonated even outside the context of parenting. So much of being human—no matter our role—is about how we look at and move through what life hands us.
Mindset has been a real shift for me. Not in a “stay positive no matter what” way, but in learning how grounding gratitude and curiosity can be. They’ve carried me through a lot of beginnings and re-beginnings.
I’m cheering you on in your own “starting over!” We've got this—next right step. 😉🧡
Dear Erin, I want to say that I've read your comment soon after you shared it here, and I wanted to see how would it be to live with your mantra in mind.
I must say, it is just wonderful! It has helped me a lot, and when I feel confused or a little discouraged, I say to myself "you only need to take one right step now", and it brings me so much comfort and encouragement.
And of course, what's "right" is something we often get to decide. But I'm also curious, if you are open to sharing—how do you approach this "rightness" of your next step?
This is the loveliest thing I’ve read all day—I'm so impressed that you tried it, and so pleased that it is helpful.
What a great question. I’ll admit, this exercise really began for me when I became a single parent. I was so overwhelmed by everything that needed to be done, on top of untangling the relationship I’d been in, that this lens was the only thing that kept me from feeling buried. Back then, I viewed it more as a prioritization tool than anything else. ("I have 13 things to do today, I only have time and the bandwidth for 5, what needs to get cut?")
Now that I have language for it, I can clearly see that I was (and still do) determine “rightness” by aligning with my values. I keep a values inventory that I return to whenever the next step feels unclear, and it helps illuminate my yeses, my nos, and my not-right-nows. I've been using the inventory for the last four or five years, and created my own version last year. I'm more than happy to share it if you're interested.
Erin, thank you so much for this reply. I would love for you to share your version. Sending love and gratitude.
It is generally behind a paywall, but I've unlocked it for the next 24 hours so you can take a look—and download if you'd like: https://unpopularparent.substack.com/p/feeling-lost-or-overwhelmed-download
So generous of you Erin. I will make sure Justyna knows too. 🙏💕
Thank you so much for responding, it’s very helpful and insightful. And thank you for this generous offer! Unfortunately I missed the 24h window as I was focusing on work these days
The genuine, honest, vulnerable responses to these carefully crafted questions and prompts have left me with even more admiration for you, Erin, and have made me a new follower of you, Danni.
There’s a beautiful reverence in this conversation between moms and women. One of the things I love most about Erin’s writing is her encouragement to stay curious with our children, but the responses here have reminded me that it’s just as important to stay curious with ourselves as life shifts. There’s so much more value in being a parent who asks the right questions than being a parent who has all the answers. In that way we can truly watch our children grow into the people they are meant to be rather than a carbon copy of ourselves or who we want to be.
Just a stunning piece all around. Thank you both for putting your valuable energy into this and gifting it to the community. ❤️
Your words are so generous, and I have to say thank you for more than just your comments here: I was working on this interview while you and I were having our own conversation, and the way you shared your heart and soul with me shaped how I approached my answers. Your honesty and openness were (and still are) both inspiration and motivation.
Thank you again—for reading, for reflecting, for sharing, and for your friendship. I have so much admiration and respect for you... Plus, I adore you. ❤️
Wow, thank you for that, my dear friend! I adore you right back!
Erin, I love how what you said confirms what a positive effect our openness has on another. I was with my sister-in-law the other day sharing ordinary life stuff and I paused and said to her, 'thank you. If just feels so good to be able to be here and be myself, that you don't expect anything else from me'. This is how it so often feels here on Substack. It is like I can choose to interact with the humans I can just be my true self with. It feels so nice. Although I don't know either one of you well (yet), both you and Mary Kate feel like this for me. And, this is what I want Bare HEARTS to feel like for all involved. xo
Mary (Mary Kate, do you prefer double name? I have a daughter, Bianca Jade, so I am aware of this small detail). Thank you. haven't responded to your husband, Kyle's comment yet, but I want to say thank you to both of you for showing appreciation for this interview (and of course, the amazing Erin, who I believe you refered to as the 'parenting guru' in something I read.) It means so much. I love this project, and as with the raising of children (and ourselves), I will be a forever student. Cultivating each one matters, honoring each individual matters, being loving and respectful and curious - it all matters. And Mary/Mary Kate, I love this: "There's so much more value in being a parent who asks the right questions than being a parent who has all the answers." Being a parent is all about this. Curiosity. Curiosity to know your little, growing human, let them know that they are seen, and that you trust them. Trust as we learn to trust ourselves through all of our mistakes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I would love to get to know both you and Kyle more,. 1 willdm you. Also, can you send the link to your interview with Erin here in the comments or dm it to me if you prefer? Sending love and gratitude.
Hi Danni! Yes, double name 😊. So excited to read more of your content. A forever student - what a lovely way to think about parenting. That really removes so much pressure and shame when you consider that we are also all learning on the job as parents. At the same time, it sparks such a desire to deepen knowledge and awareness.
Yes Erin is totally amazing. Kyle would often send Erin’s posts my way and say, “read this, I think it will resonate” and it all so aligned so much with what I’m trying to do as a mom. I love the idea of reframing things for ourselves and our children rather than trying to jump in and fix everything.
I’m a lurker on substack and I’m here mostly to challenge myself and gain additional insights and knowledge on things that interest me. The parenting sphere is the one that feels most relevant to me and I am discovering there are SO many great writers here. I was deeply humbled that Erin saw something in me, without ever having read anything I personally wrote, to craft a three-part conversation with me about where I am on this journey with four small kids.
https://open.substack.com/pub/unpopularparent/p/how-values-take-root-in-the-rituals-of-daily-life?r=2w8p92&utm_medium=ios
Thank you for your reply and your interest! Nap time is going to be spent exploring more of your articles today. 😊
Mary Kate, looking forward to reading the conversation. I haven't even known you for a beat and I feel that something special. We are always the hardest to convince, aren't we? It feels sweet when someone else reminds us to remember how special we are. It takes an equally special person to do that. Thank you for spending your Nap time with me. xo
"There’s so much more value in being a parent who asks the right questions than being a parent who has all the answers. "
So well said!
A beautiful read that truly resonates on so many levels. Our children are our biggest teachers and I think we forget what an honour it is to bring them into this world and raise them just sometimes it's not in the white picket fence way we once thought it might be. As Erin says, it was the loss of the picture (of marriage) we carry in our minds. I remember embracing my ex as the final goodbye, knowing that that was the end of our family unit as I knew it and it would never be the same again. Through the lessons since learnt, and the strength that I have found as a single mum (mum as I'm downunder), has shaped me in ways that I now show up as a totally different version of me and that my daughter gets to see that and learn from me as I do from her.
Fiona, thank you for generously sharing a piece of your story. I love the part that you recited from Erin’s Q&A. It is one of the parts that touched me the most. I had so many expectations of how my family needed to look, and we never met any of them. Only through letting go of that picture and allowing in another one with love and acceptance, did I find peace. Also, we may not wish it upon ourselves, but our children learn so much more from when we have fallen and then rise back up than they ever could from the ‘easy’. So happy that you are here with us. xo
Thank you so much, Fiona—and I couldn't agree more. I feel deeply honored to be my girls' parent, and while I think it's so important to be honest about the challenges of parenting, I wish we talked more about the privilege it truly is.
Here's to the unexpected wisdom and strength that is gained through flexibility and persistence. What a hard-fought, hard-won gift.
It truly is one of life’s many privileges!
Privilege of being chosen. This is how it feels every time I am in their presence. And not only when it feels easier. There is sacredness in the hard of parenting. Fiona thanks again for continuing the conversation. This connecting and sharing is all growth. 💕
Love this interview! Thank you Danni and Erin! The idea that certainty kills curiosity... and connection... that landed hard. It feels especially relevant right now, not just in parenting but in how we relate to each other as humans.
Thanks so much, Karen—and I completely agree. Curiosity and connection go a long way toward easing so many of the tensions we’re living with right now.
Certainty is fear. Curiosity is love. Yes it is so important in general. Our perception of everything is so conditioned and distorted. Open, growing mind, open, expanding heart... this is the cure. Thank you Karen for being here with us, xo
It does!
I am so nourished by this whole conversation and also the conversation in the comments. Danni, have you ever thought about a podcast?
Oh Corie, today has been a day and your comment brings me back. Who knows… I will have to brainstorm it with you when we get a chance to catch up. Thank you for being here. It adds so much more. Big love to you. xo
I look forward to catching up! Sorry it has been a day of a day. When I used to say we are going through tumultuous and transformative times I didn’t feel it so much in my blood and bones. But these past few days I’ve had so much to purge so much emotion, so much tumultuous feelings m& so much crying. I’m hoping I’m gonna come through the other side with the wisdom and growth that I need. I wish you lots of fellow mama love.
I do trust that it is transformative. But in the meantime, I keep repeating to myself that I am not crazy. Intentionally slowing down and deciding to enjoy the next several days without expectations. Cooking, curling ribbon, and celebrating Bianca Jade. She turns 18 on December 26th. We will speak soon. Love you. xo